Walking Back To Happiness
We had done this so many times to know that firstly, it would be a very long day and secondly, there's only so much of a canal you can take. Team Leader Ginger, herself not known for walking much further than to a bar, had organised us into a fundraising day with the aim of walking from Bingley to Leeds. If you got there, it was free beer and food; if not, another watery grave maybe.
The beneficiary was our old cricket ground, a place where many of us had grown up over the last several decades and, more so, one where even those with a more recent introduction knew the value of community.
Naturally, club stalwart Molly would not have missed this for the world, even if She Who Must Be Obeyed had confiscated his hip flasks for fear of him being rested for illegal liquids so close to the family holiday. As ever, he was sat waiting at Shipley train station, suggesting he had camped there all night just in case She changed her mind.
His old pal and fellow holiday clubber, The Taxman, was sat quietly alongside as we awaited the train. Strangely, the Ilkley train arrived at our platform, a mix-up that Molly brusquely muttered under his breath, "Nay wouldn't 'ave 'appened wi steam!" How old was he I wondered?
The arriving train dropped off Captain Chaos and Duck, two fellow gnarled old veterans of piss-ups/healthy country walks. Chaos was in trouble as he had not had the usual number of morning "visits". Platform 2 did not seem the right place for a number two. He was hopping around like a hairy midget on acid
Soon we arrived at Bingley station and were met by The Bouncer, Tubbs and Warhorse, a combined three good legs between them.
The group swelled as our leader arrived in a pair of new white disco pumps with her son and heir - my Godson - in tow. I could see those pumps dumped in the canal several hours later. Finally, Blisters and The Gentleman arrived, the latter closer to a direct line with God - who we might just need further down the line - than the rest of us put together. We were off!
The conversation, as ever, soon found a natural stride and was never likely to adhere to BBC guidelines. As we strode out along the canal, the Manc Lad would have been well served by this varied focus group.
Molly was off like his life depended on it, and soon we could barely see the three one-legged stragglers.
And then we came across a tanned chap in shorts walking the other way. "Can you help me, please? I've just escaped for the day...she's on a day off!" We gratefully accepted The Escapee into the fold and marched on to the World Heritage site of Salts Mill.
There we chanced on a canal-side busker, down on his luck, once a regular star at the well-known Bolton Villas CC nightclub. So we invited him to walk with the promise of a hot meal and a beer, and soon we were a massed choir with a bald baritone leading the way to Amarillo.
By Saltaire, more ageing pipes were in need of fixing as our Team Leader confessed she needed a bush and vanished with her leaking bush into the undergrowth. There were several squeals until out she came with disco pumps beyond salvation. At this point Chaos found salvation too in the form of a coffee shop but not in the form of an Americano. Five quid for a poo!
A few miles later it was time for The Bouncer to exit before the Air Ambulance was needed. It had been a great effort, and we were sad to see our protection go. Meanwhile, Ginger was scratching away furiously - it would be a long walk to Leeds.
At Apperley Bridge we met The Sunday Strollers who had popped along to offer us some support for "a few miles"; little did they know. As we waved goodbye to the busker who had to get back to Saltaire for his lunchtime trade, Blister's devoted wife, Pampered Paula, had arrived with a new pair of shoes and medication for the little fat lad. There was no chance he was playing golf the day after.
We passed a local celebrity, The Idle Draper, dapper as ever, out for a stroll and could not convince him to walk the other way.
Lunch was on the horizon and Rodley, a mere six miles from target - the Promised Land. Duck slumped on a rock as the cosmopolitan Sunday Strollers, now in for the ride, sought a local deli whilst we opened our rations as if these were our first meal in days.
Molly could smell beer, and soon we were off again with a howling wind picking up as Ginger scratched away. Kirkstall was a mere three miles away, and eventually we limped through the doors.
The Taxman continued on resisting the beers - "if I stop I'll never start again" - leaving the rest of us to work out in our own minds the sight of a six-foot, bearded bloke sat in a skirt and tights at the bar. Maybe you get to a stage in life where it is just not your world?
Only three and a bit miles to go to a free bar and nosh. Dodgy itches, unpredictable bowels and aching limbs were all put aside as we launched one last combined effort to get there before Molly wiped out the bar tab.
By now Blisters was on his third pair of shoes, and Ginger's disco pumps had lost the last of their brilliance. Duck apologised for smelling like a tramp as the shirt he was wearing was his nightshirt, and it looked like he may be getting evicted from his new home.
We walked amongst the ever-multiplying newly built towers of wealth peppering Leeds city centre, searching for the start - and our end - of the Leeds Liverpool Canal. By now Ginger was on one leg, and Godson could barely walk, a serious fitness doubt for the Sunday league game coming up.
Somewhat ironically, our destination was called The Hop, which is what most of us had ended up doing. We had made it, a great team effort across the generations and all in a most wonderful cause.
And then something to quickly remind us of where most of us are on the ladder of life.
After a magnificent effort, Warhorse had given every last drop of effort and quickly became in need of paramedics. Fortunately, The Gentleman took control and, in a moment of black humour, Duck's smelly shirt was now covered in vomit - if ever there was a sign a shirt had run its course.
Warhorse gave me my love of the game of cricket and of the beautiful old ground we have all, in varying degrees, enjoyed over the many years. Whilst he grew up around the ground, most of us felt we lived there through very lucky and enjoyable sporting childhoods and into adulthood.
On and off the pitch, through good and bad, he carried us many times single-handedly with an indomitable spirit - the best player Villas ever had. It had been a wonderful day for a great cause, and Warhorse is fine.
Thank you to all who supported us.










